It's less than a week now until I can eat again, which is exciting. It feels like an achievement - I love food, and going eight weeks without it? I didn't know I had it in me, to be honest. Heading back to food feels a lot like heading back to normal, heading back to the ability to leave the house on the weekends and go out for tea and spend summer between the beach and the frozen yoghurt shops. It's not a healthy attitude, but for me food and enjoyment have always been almost inextricably linked and this has been one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do.
That in mind, it's hard to be all that excited when I'm currently working through my preliminary exams. They shouldn't be hard and they shouldn't be stressful and I know, I've been told, people keep telling me not to worry because it's only year eleven and I promise, I understand that. I understand it but it doesn't stop the pressure I put on myself; the pressure to be the person that is pushing through and doing well in spite of everything else. And the truth is, I could have things so much worse and I can't let this stand in the way of doing okay. I'm not allowing myself the same level of stress and preparation I would normally, but I can't just hole up (however much I might feel like it) and not work because I want to show everyone what I'm capable of and I want to be happy with what I achieve, considering the circumstances.
The circumstances aren't great at the moment. For a while, things were looking up. The periods between pain and normalcy were shorter and generally, I was feeling a bit better. Recently, though, it's all gone downhill again. For a bit more than a week now, the pain's been as bad as ever, the fatigue's back as is the joint pain, the difficulty sleeping and the other little symptoms as well. My blood tests, which were before looking loads better - my CRP score, indicating inflammation, was right down - have gone back in the direction they were heading before and I've been put back on the antibiotics I was on in hospital.
So exams aren't going well. Two hours of sitting in exam conditions commonly ends in excruciating pain, and sure, I've missed quite a lot, so I'm not going to do too well (and if my parents start at me again about tutoring, I will scream). I'm still happy with myself for managing what I've managed thus far - two maths exams and an English exam - and I think that I deserve to be happy with that. I don't have another exam now until Wednesday, which is a drama exam, and I'm worried about that - but the thing is, while I should be studying right now, I'm feeling pretty sick. I'm feeling creatively blocked - even writing this has been challenging - and tired and a little bit like curling up and going to sleep. I know it's not an excuse, but it's difficult to keep functioning as normal when I'm just wishing for this all to be over.
I'm tired and I'm miserable and I just want to eat something, and I don't think that's unreasonable.
You must have discovered so many things about yourself in the past few months. So many strengths you didn't know you even possessed. I'm sure they'll be useful to you many other times in your life.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand you being too distracted to concentrate on exams. They're not a priority for you at the moment - your health is. You can worry about tutors and focussing on study later. But for now, it's difficult to expect you to concentrate on those kind of things.
Of course that's not the way it's meant to be. But it's the way it is. And you have to deal with one thing at a time.
Continued good wishes.