Sara - venting

I suppose the main reason that I haven't written in a while (and why this is going to be a short post) is because I've been feeling quite conflicted.

I've got all these people coming from different directions, telling me that everything looks good. That I should be happy, that I should be feeling better; if my insides are looking better, logic dictates that I am feeling better and everything should be better. It all follows through. The MRI looks better, which means everything must be better.

Problem is, I'm not feeling all that much better, contrary to what the inside situation might suggest. Actually, I'm not feeling better at all. Sometimes, I'll wake up in the morning and I'll actually be feeling okay, and I suppose that's happening a little more infrequently, at best...but eventually, the pain rears its head or the nausea kicks up or the headaches strike. More often than not, I'm exhausted

And it's not going away. It's just not. As optimistic as I try to be, it's hard to keep a smile on my face when I'm sick of feeling sick and I've had it with being frustrated.

Sometimes it feels like doctors will ask me how I'm feeling, but not listen. The other day, at the doctors, the first person who assessed me gave scores out of ten in various areas, like general well-being or life disruption, tens and sevens and fives, and then my main doctor - after seeing my scans - looked through it and said "Make that a 5, that a 2, that, that a .5, that a 0."

It's hard not to feel that I'm being looked at from the inside out and being told how I'm feeling, instead of being asked.

It's not great, but it's been worse.
So I suppose we just keep going.